


Bear Hugs

by TheIceQueen



Series: Life in the years [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Confusion, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Relationship, Eating, Fear, Food, Hugs, M/M, Men Crying, Nervousness, Past Abuse, Past Drug Use, Sex Talk, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 00:19:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19712494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIceQueen/pseuds/TheIceQueen
Summary: Reid and Morgan lives in Morgan's house after Morgan helped Reid with his drug addiction. The team think that Reid is teaching for a few weeks. It is only Hotch who knows that he is on vacation, still recovering and figuring things out with Morgan. Garcia also found out that Morgan and Reid are together. Reid is going back to the BAU in under a week.





	Bear Hugs

The smell of greasy Chinese food was spreading throughout the house. Reid had started on lasagna, but it hadn’t turned out as something that he would serve for anyone. Morgan would be home any minute now and Reid didn’t need to add to his long day, by making him lie and tell him that it was not that bad.

Morgan had left early morning and with finishing the case quick, he was already home the same night. Reid was happy that he didn’t have to sleep alone, even though it had gotten easier, but somehow, he was still nervous about Morgan walking through the door in a minute.

He placed the content of the last box on the plates and carried them to the dining room table. Looking at his watch, he sat down and in the same moment he heard the car roll up in the driveway. Reid’s lungs drew in a big breath as if he was preparing himself for what to come. He’d used all day to try and convince himself that he was overthinking everything, but he couldn’t. Something had been different the last couple of days. More than just being tired from the job, more than just getting used to living with someone. Morgan had used more and more time on his own when he was off work and he had been quieter. The thing that worried Reid the most was that the last two nights, Morgan hadn’t hugged him as they fell asleep.

“Hi! Something smells good.”

Reid heard the door close and then Morgan’s duffle hit the floor in the hall. Morgan came in fast and Reid barely got up before he was hugged hastily, but firm, and then Morgan sat down by the plate.

“So, it was an easy case?”

Reid looked at Morgan who was already eating. He looked almost as tired as hungry.

“Yeah, that guy won’t win any Nobel Prize, I’m not even sure he could spell it.”

Reid looked at his food. He’d hoped that he’d be hungry when Morgan came home, and with the light mood Morgan showed he didn’t understand why he still wasn’t. He picked up his fork but only ended up picking a bit at the edge of the dish.

“Spencer?”

Reid looked up to see Morgan frozen in place with his fork in midair.

“You okay? How was your day?”

Reid shook his head and placed the fork on the plate. “Just fine; eventless as usual. I’m just not that hungry.”

Morgan nodded and continued with his food, but slower now. “I know you’re bored here, but you’ll go back to the BAU in two days. That has to be a good thing, right?!”

“It is.” Reid didn’t hesitate to answer. He was ready and even though he was sure Morgan knew that, he didn’t want to seem like he was doubting himself. “I miss everyone. I miss the work.”

They shared a smile and Morgan finished his dinner within two more minutes. Reid stood up and gathered the plates.

“Go clean up, I’ll finish here. I guess you want to sleep sooner rather than later?”

“Tanks. See you upstairs.”

Morgan disappeared into the hall and Reid heard him half-running up the stairs. Taking his time, Reid loaded the dishwasher and cleaned away the trash, before making his way upstairs too.

* * *

Reid was already under the cover when the door opened from the bathroom and Morgan climbed up next to him.

“Thanks for dinner.”

Morgan lifted Reid’s hand and kissed it before turning to his back and closing his eyes. Reid laid on his back and looked at Morgan. It wouldn’t be long before his breathing would slow down, indicating that he was sleeping. Just three nights ago he was wrapping himself around Reid before sleep. It would feel like he never wanted to let go again. Reid missed that. Was that phase already over? There was no way he was ready for this to become their everyday life. They hadn’t even been together.

Reid paused his thoughts. What if that was it? They hadn’t had sex. What if Morgan thought that he didn’t wanted to? Reid wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Actually, he was fairly sure he wasn’t, but what if Morgan was? They had agreed to figure this out by not holding anything back, but they had also said no pressure. What if Morgan was afraid of pressuring him?

Reid rolled to face Morgan and slowly placed a light hand on his shoulder. “Derek?”

Morgan, who was already half asleep, hummed and turned his head, showing Reid his half open eyes.

“Derek, can I ask you something?”

Morgan’s eyes blinked open and he rolled to his side. “Of course. What is it?”

Reid suddenly felt hot. He was sure he was sweating bullets under the cover, and when he saw his hand shaking slightly on Morgan’s shoulder, he pulled it away quickly.

Morgan pushed himself up on his elbow and reached over Reid to turn on the light. He was fully awake now.

“Spencer?”

“I’m… I…” Why couldn’t he have thought this through? He always thinks things through more times than needed before acting, but when Morgan was involved, his mind seemed to belong to a toddler, still learning to control his impulses.

“Angel, you’re kinda scaring me here.” Morgan had sat up in the bed and took Reid’s hand to pull him up too. He held it for just long enough to notice it shaking, before Reid pulled it to rest in his own lap.

“I’m sorry.” Reid looked at his fiddling fingers. “I just needed to make sure you’re… well, that _we’re_ okay.”

Reid didn’t look up be he could feel the surprise spring from Morgan’s face.

“Angel, why wouldn’t we be?”

Reid took a deep breath and convinced himself that he could just as well get it over with. He looked up and saw the confusion in Morgan’s eyes.

“You’ve been different, these last days. I know you’ve been traveling a lot and that you’re all working harder because you’re missing a team-member but it’s more than that.”

Morgan now looked worried on top of his confusion and the piercing eyes made Reid look down before explaining further.

“You’ve used a lot of time alone, in the car or going on walks. I don’t mean that you should be with me all the time I just…”

“Angel, stop.” Morgan took Reid’s hands in his. “Look at me.”

It took a moment for Reid to gather a deep enough breath that he could manage to face Morgan’s eyes again. The brown eyes were full of compassion and concern, but Reid hadn’t hoped for that. He didn’t want to be one to pity anymore, but somehow, he still walked down that path.

“Spencer. I’ve been more on my own, but that can’t be the whole problem. Just ask me what you need to.”

Reid studied the sincerity on Morgan’s face before pulling his hands back and looking down on them in his own lap.

“We kiss or hug quickly when you come and go, but…” Reid paused but Morgan didn’t say anything, so he took it as a sign to just go on. “Do you think I don’t want you hugging me at night anymore, or that when we kiss that I don’t want you to stay for more than only a second?”

The silence was killing Reid. The air he didn’t exhale was burning in his chest and he only saw his hands wringing each other. Morgan didn’t speak. As far as Reid could see or feel, he didn’t move either. When Reid’s body finally reacted and got the breath replaced with another, he collected himself just enough to whisper.

“Derek. Are you scared of pressuring me?”

A finger was on his chin, lifting his face and as soon as he lifted his eyes, he was met with Morgan’s calm face.

“I don’t know…” Morgan shook his head slowly but kept eye-contact. “Maybe it’s mostly myself. I just don’t want to go too fast.”

Reid’s heart stopped. He hadn’t even thought about that. Morgan was experienced with women, but this was different. How could he only have seen this from his own side? Morgan was strong in every way and had saved Reid’s life, more than once, but of course Morgan could be nervous.

“I’m sorry.” Reid felt his voice shake.

Morgan looked investigative at him. “Angel, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But I never even stopped to think that you could be thinking that it was going too fast.”

Morgan took one of Reid’s hands and smiled at him. “Do you think it is?”

Suddenly Reid was scared of being the one adding pressure to their relationship. He never thought that he could end up being the one scaring someone off by going too fast.

“Maybe…” Reid took his time to swallow so he could think his next words over. “I mean… it’s only been two weeks since…” Reid bit his bottom lip and looked at their joined hands.

Morgan squeezed his hand and leaned in to get into his eyesight again. “…since you kissed me.”

Reid nodded. “Yeah. Two weeks is a short time and I’m not ready for more, but I don’t want to stop kissing you either.”

Relief beamed of Morgan’s smile as he leaned in for a kiss. For almost four days they hadn’t stayed connected for more than a second, now Reid had all the time in the world to feel the calm warmth spreading through him. He’d missed that feeling more than he’d thought and didn’t want to let go. With his arms around Morgan’s back and Morgan’s hands buried in his hair they let go, and both winded, they rested their chins on the other’s shoulder.

At first Reid thought it was from lack of air, but when his chin quivered, he realized that his blurry vision was from tears clouding it. He let a small shaky gasp pass his lips and Morgan pushed him back so he could see each other. Morgan’s eyes were red, and he looked down as soon as Reid had noticed.

“Derek?”

Morgan pushed himself back and stood up turning his side to the bed and looked down. Reid inspected Morgan’s hands fiddling as he didn’t know what to do with them and him trying to keep his breathing from speeding.

“Derek, talk to me?” Reid sat up on his knees trying to get the eye-contact back, but Morgan wasn’t moving. Maybe he had said something the wrong way. Maybe he had still pressured Morgan.

“Derek you don’t have to. If you need to take a step back…” Reid swallowed and sat down on his heals. “I you regret this, please say so now.”

“I don’t.” Morgan walked to the foot end of the bed, still looking firmly at the floor. “I’m not regretting anything, and I don’t want to step back, I…”

The pause was too long, and Morgan’s hands shook more and more. Reid stood up and stood in front of Morgan. He took his hands. Morgan let him but turned slightly to the side, still looking down. The shaky breath sounded loud from Morgan’s nose and his clenched jaw was trembling.

Why wouldn’t he talk? Was the truth so horrible? Morgan had just told him that he didn’t regret and didn’t want to stop it. He’d just confirmed that Reid’s biggest fear wasn’t true so what could be worse? What could have him act this way?

The silence was deafening, and Reid’s stomach turned as he was suddenly reminded of the same silence when the roles was reversed. He had wanted to tell Morgan about the drugs, to explain, but he hadn’t been able to find the words and it had scared him to think that Morgan would think even less of him than he already did when he was sweating and gasping for air from withdrawals.

Reid let go of Morgan’s hands and took a step back. “Derek? Do you want to talk, or should we let it go?”

Morgan turned his back to Reid and sighed loudly. He gathered his hands in front of him so Reid couldn’t see them shake anymore.

“You might as well know now.”

Reid breathed deeply, if it was from relief or to control his fear he didn’t know. He tried walking around Morgan, but the silent man just turned his back again.

Reid has a nagging feeling that this was something he should have already figured out. Suddenly he realized that maybe he already had. He took a few steps back, giving Morgan some room.

“Derek, when I was using, you suspected it didn’t you?”

Morgan lifted his head and looked at the wall and eventually he nodded.

“You didn’t ask, because you knew someone already knew what was going on for sure, am I right?”

Morgan turned some of the way round and nodded again.

“Derek. I don’t know how to ask you about this or if I even should, but just like you knew something was going on after Hankel… I’m sorry if I’m crossing a line or misinterpreting everything but you’re not talking and… After Buford. We don't know, but we knew that Gideon and Hotch did, so...”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Morgan walked to the dresser and leaned against it with both hands. “You don’t need to ask.”

Morgan’s shoulders trembled when he drew in a fast breath. “You’re right.”

Reid’s heart stopped and he had to will his lungs to draw in air before he could take a step closer. Morgan was talking but Reid still could have misunderstood everything, so he decided to keep threading carefully.

“Derek. Can you look at me?”

Morgan’s hand moved from the dresser and hang down his side when he turned a little. Reid walked over slowly and breathed a little easier when Morgan let him hold his hand in both of his.

“Please.”

Morgan took his time, but eventually his red eyes looked into Reid’s glazed ones. Reid moved one hand to Morgan’s elbow and pulled him towards the foot end of the bed. Morgan hesitated as Reid sat down but with a small smile Reid convinced him that it was alright, and he sat down next to him.

“What am I right about?”

Morgan looked down at his knees and his hand moved in Reid’s but stilled when Reid squeezed it a little tighter.

“Everything.” It took Morgan two long deep breaths before he continued. “Buford is a murderer, but that’s not everything. Through the years, there have been a lot of boys through that center, and I don’t know how many he molested.”

Morgan paused and bit his lower lip. Reid waited patiently for him to gather himself a little. He put his other hand over their hold on each other and felt Morgan hold on tighter.

“I was one of them.”

Through his own tears building, Reid almost didn’t see that Morgan’s had already broke loose. He blinked his own away and quickly moved in front of the now silent man and sat on his knees. Reid took both of Morgan’s hands and held them on his knees and looked up at him, surprised that Morgan was looking at him.

“I’m so sorry, Derek. I’m so sorry, but I’m glad you told me.”

Morgan swallowed and nodded, looking like he was gathering himself a bit. “This… Angel, this has nothing to do with us.”

“I know. But it’s okay to react to it… Honey-Bear? Do you hear me?

Morgan pulled Reid up next to him again and turned to look straight at him at same eye-level. No matter how small and timid that smile was, Reid noticed and realized how much he’d missed that this last hour.

“Honey-Bear?”

Reid smiled too. He had thought of Morgan as a warm, cuddly, but strong protector for these last weeks, maybe always, but he hadn’t thought of nicknames until he heard himself say it. “Yeah. Well, you call me Pretty-Boy, Genius, Angel and what else you can think of. Don’t I get one? You’re strong and give extremely good hugs.”

Morgan chuckled and caught a single tear from Reid’s cheek as his own started up again. “Okay then.”

“Derek. It makes sense if this is why you’re dialing back.”

Morgan swallowed and squeezed both of Reid’s hands. “I didn’t think it would be an issue, I mean it hasn’t before. What he did wasn’t sex, it was power and violence, I’ve never connected it to being close to anyone.”

Reid took Morgan’s face in both of his hands and thumbed away the tears under his eyes. “It’s not. It’s not sex or intimacy. That’s why you told me that you’ve never been with a man, remember?”

Morgan nodded slightly, still in Reid’s hold.

“This is different though. Things _are_ moving fast, and no matter how often you call me pretty, I will still be a man and you don’t know how or if you will react. Of course, you’re scared.”

Morgan’s big hands found Reid’s wrists and gathered them between the two of them. He kissed them before he let go and pulled Reid in for a strong hug.

“I _am_. I’m scared how I’ll react to being closer, how I’ll feel… if it will ruin what we have. Spencer, I’m not scared of being with you.” Morgan massaged one hand onto Reid’s hair and slowed his words. “I’m not scared about the sex.”

Reid held on tighter around Morgan’s back and pressed his chin in the crease of his neck.

“I am.”

He felt Morgan calm his breathing to listen closer.

“I’m not… Derek, I’ve never…”

“I know, Angel. We’ll not go there yet. None of us are ready.”

Reid rubbed his hand over Morgan’s back and sighed deeply. “But let’s not stop what we’re already good at.”

He felt Morgan chuckle and Reid pushed himself free of the strong embrace and climbed up to lie on the bed. He pulled Morgan’s arm and smiled as he followed.

As if they had never done anything else, they found the perfect fit in each other’s arms and Reid pulled the cover over the both of them. “Let’s keep to this and to the kisses I’ve missed so much.”

Morgan turned Reid’s head with a light finger on his chin and placed his lips on Reid’s. With both of them relaxing in body and mind, they erased what little space there was left between them. The rest of the room disappeared from Reid’s mind and soon the rest of the world.

Any second the phone could ring and Morgan would have to leave. In under a week Reid would be back part time and would have to answer those calls too. But it didn’t matter. Right now, right in this moment, he had everything he needed. No need to worry about the future. And the way Morgan’s strong but careful bear-hug surrounded him, he was sure that none of them was thinking about the past either.

* * *

“THE PAST IS OUR DEFINITION. WE MAY STRIVE, WITH GOOD REASON, TO ESCAPE IT, OR TO ESCAPE WHAT IS BAD IN IT, BUT WE WILL ESCAPE IT ONLY BY ADDING SOMETHING BETTER TO IT.”  
\- Wendell Berry


End file.
